THE AMBIVALENT DAUGHTER

The author’s mother, Gertrude, was 84 years old when she suffered a sudden stroke. Gertrude was a lively woman who, every spring, escaped the heat of her Florida home by making a long drive to New Jersey to visit family and friends, a trip she’d managed alone for years. The stroke took away her independence, as she was left paralyzed on one side of her body and reliant on a wheelchair. Gorny, an assistant professor in special education, stepped into the role of caregiver. Gorny’s younger sister, Melanie, lived in Canada and was, in Gorny’s view, the preferred daughter. In sharp contrast, Gorny and her mother butted heads throughout their lives, and the author characterizes Gertrude as somewhat inattentive and unaffectionate. But the older daughter devoted herself to her mother’s care, as Gertrude moved from a rehabilitation center to a nursing home. Gorny was disturbed by her impression of the nursing home, observing that the residents had only nominal privacy and suspecting the staff of using medications to subdue the residents and manage their behavior. Though Gorny found a more agreeable living environment for Gertrude, she couldn’t deny that her mother was clearly unhappy as well as showing signs of increasing dementia. Gorny visited the nursing home nearly every day, hoping to alleviate the depression that afflicted both her and her mother. Though Gorny feels that Gertrude never really expressed her love while raising her daughters, she remained a selfless, dedicated caregiver.

Gorny, who’s previously written about caring for her mother-in-law in Fridays with Eva (2012), describes other tensions within the family: Years earlier, the recently divorced Gertrude and her two young daughters lived with Gertrude’s mother Lena. With Gertrude busy working as a hospital nurse, the girls’ “hostile” grandmother, a habitual “slapper,” watched the girls. Gorny offers an intelligent, mature overview of her family; she holds no resentment toward Melanie for being the “favorite” and admits her own faults, including a stubborn streak equal to her mother’s. She also treats the assisted living industry fairly, praising one nursing home for such benefits as pet therapy and houseplants in the rooms. Some of Gorny’s descriptions are a bit crass, particularly those of the ill-mannered individuals she’d occasionally run into. She notes, for example, that an aloof staff nutritionist “looked anorexic” and that a heavyset nursing home administrator’s “pudgy fingers wrapped and unwrapped around each other like fat larvae.” Still, the author delivers an unfiltered look at her life and difficult relationship with her mother, admitting that the ordeal of caring for her threatened to harm her 25-year marriage. Such frankness makes her story all the more convincing and powerful.