B.F.F.

A memoir about the author’s lifelong struggle with female friendships.

In this intensive yet refreshing self-analysis, Tate, the author of Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life, dissects the nature of her bonds with women. The author recalls ghosting most of her friends in Texas when she relocated to Chicago for college, then letting all of her graduate school friendships “wither, quickly and fatally,” in favor of placating an alcoholic boyfriend. As Tate demonstrates, this legacy extends back to grade school, when she sacrificed bonds with girls for popularity and dating, all while dealing with low self-esteem, shame, and anxiety. Nearing 50, Tate reflects on a lifetime of friendships from which she had “withdrawn, drifted away, lost touch.” She also let insecurities about her relationships with her mother and sister distort what could have developed into significant bonds with other women. Therapy sessions only helped so much, barely addressing Tate’s internalized fears of female competition or jealousy or allowing her to disarm “the lie of my own unworthiness.” In 1998, the author met older, wiser Meredith at a 12-step recovery program meeting in Chicago, and her future brightened. After Meredith coached her to perform the “emotional labor” necessary to confront her issues, they enjoyed an immensely rewarding friendship for over a decade, until Meredith’s terminal cancer diagnosis. Tate’s chatty exposition tends to blunt some of the heftier core points about the importance of unpacking one’s psychological baggage and the value of establishing deeper interpersonal bonds. Nonetheless, after making cathartic amends to several of the people she ghosted along the way, the author clearly appreciates and respects the idea of female friendship and holds herself fully accountable for her mistakes. Readers will grasp the amount of work it takes to cultivate and preserve these kinds of bonds.

A meaningful, memorable journey from inner pain to honest, open, and enduring friendship.