PONDER

It’s fear and loathing in Walt Disney World as two gin-soaked slackers attempt to drown out the dying of their misspent youth with gallons of alcohol in Roberts’ novel.

Multimillionaire John “Johnny Boy” Apple is on a mission to hunt down the woman of his dreams and marry her before the clock finally ticks down on his wonderfully errant 20s. Because his parents died tragically in a plane crash on the way home from the Magic Kingdom when he was a kid, Johnny Boy figures Disney World is the place to make it all happen. His pal, Murray “Cheese” Marks, is the ultimate wingman, and so enamored of the rakishly handsome Johnny Boy that Cheese sometimes wonders if he might be gay. Overweight and unattractive, Cheese is the polar opposite of his childhood friend. He’s got a wife back home named Florence, who he probably shouldn’t have left alone; it isn’t long before she and Johnny Boy’s ex Kathy become lovers. But that’s just a peripheral concern for Cheese, who is much more focused on the new woman in his pal’s life, a sultry Southern belle named Virginia Wells whom Cheese has hopelessly fallen for (“I love Virginia Wells, and you and your big fat Cartier ring are going to suck the pale green light out of her countryside eyes”).

The complexity of Roberts’ off-kilter comedy makes perfect sense to each of the pickled protagonists, who have trapped themselves in the “happiest place on earth” and never stop drinking. (At least on some level, it’s an opportunity for both Cheese and Johnny Boy to realize there’s a real price to pay when you dare to dance with the mouse for too long.) Readers share in the sense of drunken stupor and are purposely deprived of any sure footing. Cheese is the most unreliable of narrators as he continually mixes the profound with the profane. (“Murray,” he remembers his mom telling him, “your greatest life lives on the other side of fear.”) One of Roberts’ gifts as a writer is his ability to evoke empathy amidst the debauchery; Cheese is a nebbish full of fear, and the breakup of his marriage to Florence couldn’t be more heartbreaking as it inexorably unfolds over a course of days via BlackBerry messages. (“Only love can stop time’s advance,” Cheese drunkenly pontificates after going solo at Splash Mountain. “That’s why it’s the only miracle in this short life.”) Cheese and Johnny Boy may not be doing anything other than getting soused during their latest and greatest bender, but the characters do achieve transformative heights, whether they like it or not—the challenge for readers is hanging in with them for the ride as the proceedings threaten to become as monotonous and tedious as their aimless Disney World existence. It’s like watching the impact of a slow-motion car wreck on the occupants (the results are going to be profound no matter how bad the crash ultimately ends up being). Somebody grab the car keys from these guys and call ‘em a taxi before they hurt somebody.

A 192-proof comedy for those with a taste for the hard stuff.