CRIPPLED AMERICA

Trump, the Campaign Book.

America isn’t winning, writes the author; America is crippled, which makes Trump mad. You can tell because he’s scowling on the cover. His first words are, “some readers may be wondering why the picture we used on the cover of this book is so angry and so mean looking.” Well, it’s because he “wanted a picture where I wasn’t happy,” because it wouldn’t do for him to smile when the U.S. is not winning—and say that word as Charlie Sheen would when you read, “We need a government that is committed to winning and has experience in winning.” Trump lists his qualifications in the third person: “Donald Trump builds buildings. Donald Trump develops magnificent golf courses. Donald Trump makes investments that create jobs. And Donald Trump creates jobs for legal immigrants and all Americans.” How? That’s none of your business, because if he gives you specifics, then he’ll be tipping his hand in the delicate negotiations involved in—well, winning. Thus, Trump complains, President Barack Obama loves a golf game, “but he doesn’t play with the right people.” Who should he play with? Trump’s not going to say, short of, “Believe me, I know how to use a golf course—and golf clubs—to make deals.” So Putin gets a nine iron, and we get the trophy, and all we have to do is accept Trump’s constant refrain: “Believe me….” Specifics are few, but the author’s thoughts come fast and furious all the same: Mexico will have to pay for a wall. Ronald Reagan was a nice guy, able to make us feel “so proud to be Americans.” Throw out Obamacare. And so on. By the end, if you are still unsure about Trump’s many accomplishments, make sure to wade through the 15-page (!) “About the Author” section, which begins, “Donald J. Trump is the very definition of the American success story.”

A brief but still highly padded gift to true believers. Anyone else…well, here’s a scowl for you.