SCRATCHED

A fiction writer explores the causes, and consequences, of her desire to be perfect.

Tallent (Creative Writing/Stanford Univ.; Mendocino Fire: Stories, 2015, etc.) makes her debut as a memoirist with an intimate examination of her quest for perfection, which has dogged her since childhood. Perfectionism, she writes, “is set apart from other forms of trouble by the inflamed genius of its self-abuse and its pleasurableness.” It tyrannizes her by “dangling before me flawless elizabeths who would transcend limitations lightly, with every hair in place”: a fantasy woman with the power “to intensify, focus, motivate.” To those who do not suffer it, perfectionism can seem like “ambition on steroids,” but Tallent is ever aware of its debilitating effects. Early success as a writer caused her to feel “quickened self-consciousness, elevated standards” that led to an inability to write for more than 20 years. Sentences she created “written in pursuit of transcendence were dull. For the sake of perfection I took a voice, my own, and twisted until mischance and error and experiment were wrung from it, and with them any chance of aliveness.” Seeking the sources of her obsession, Tallent learned that her mother, also a perfectionist, refused to hold her newborn daughter because she saw a scratch near the infant’s eyelid—self-inflicted in utero—that aroused her revulsion. Nineteen when her mother disclosed this, Tallent felt relief at knowing, at last, “a necessary piece of my life.” Besides causing inhibition, self-doubt, mistrust, anxiety, and depression, perfectionism is characterized by self-absorption—“the failure to be interested in things as they are, or people as they are”—a trait that unfortunately focuses the narrative too narrowly on its wounded protagonist. As she portrays herself as a girlfriend, wife, bookstore clerk, analysand, and writing program director, Tallent admits that among her shortcomings was a tendency to judge others harshly “with perfectionist righteousness.” The author’s prose is dense, precise, and often lyrical, but the relentless energy of her long sentences and pageslong paragraphs sometimes feels overwhelming.

A candid, sharply etched self-portrait.