ACCEPTANCE

An account of growing up in institutions and foster care by a Harvard graduate and former Google employee.

After her parents divorced, Nietfeld’s father transitioned from male to female; her mother, who won custody, “was a hoarder with mental issues.” The family home became uninhabitable. At 13, Nietfeld checked into a psych ward, “luxuriat[ing] in the endless hot water, the meals that came on trays,” and later attempted suicide. After talking to a social worker, she entered a residential eating disorder program. Over the course of the narrative, the author shows how her various diagnoses (bulimia, psychosis) were reactions to her mother’s inability to care for her. In fact, her mother’s willingness to let the state take custody of her only daughter appears almost blithe; she appears chiefly in cameos. The turning point in the narrative comes when, while institutionalized, Nietfeld became obsessed with getting into an Ivy League college, a dream no one took seriously. She learned that her success would be determined not merely by her GPA or SAT scores, but also by how much she was willing to mine her family history for admissions-essay fodder. She had to learn how to play the game: to be a “good survivor” and “exemplify post-traumatic growth, not post-traumatic stress disorder.” Though Nietfeld graduated from Harvard with a lucrative job offer from Google, this is not just a bootstrapping tale. The author offers a complex meditation on desperation, leveraging personal pain, and how the drive to achieve can be a gift and a pathology simultaneously. “All I’d wanted growing up was to read books and study, but instead I learned how few acceptable ways there were to need help,” she writes. “You had to be perfect, deserving, hurt in just the right way….Everyone who dealt with disadvantaged kids, from ther­apists to college admissions officers, treated us as if we could overcome any abuse or neglect with sheer force of will.”

A powerful memoir of overcoming adversity that also effectively interrogates the concept of meritocracy.