BELONGING

An intriguing investigation of our need to belong and how to make that process easier for the bashful among us.

Stanford psychology and business professor Cohen offers a learned tour of experimental and social psychology, connecting science to real life in meaningful ways. On the issue of the pitched politics of our time, he observes that there’s an evolutionary reason for not deviating from group beliefs, no matter how ridiculous or dangerous: “Being outcast from our tribe,” he writes, “would once have presented a physical threat to survival, and our brains still seem to see it that way. To venture dissent is to risk expulsion.” The tribe element is important, for being a member of a group is an essential part of identity, and being outside of a group is, writes Cohen, as bad for one’s health as a pack-a-day smoking habit. Throw race into the mix, and things get more complicated. Drawing on a variety of disciplines, the author observes that White people are often visibly stressed when in the company of Black people, fearing that they may be called out for racism. “The accumulation of mortifications can put people in a constant state of alert, ready for the possibility of demeaning treatment,” he adds, and while those mortifications apply to oppressed minorities more often than to the dominant majority, everyone has plenty of shame-inducing incidents. The ticket out? Cohen suggests that it’s as simple as kindness, judging less and listening more, and being polite: “Not interrupting; saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’; apologizing when we do harm, whether intended or not, and even if others seem oversensitive about the harm caused, are signs that we see other selves as belonging in the circle of those to whom we should show respect.” Cohen is to the point and unsentimental even as he points the way to a nicer way to live.

A well-written, inviting treatise to be a better person.