SWAN DIVE

Behind the scenes with an acclaimed ballerina.

At 14, Pazcoguin, who had been dancing since she was 4, won a scholarship to the summer program at the School of American Ballet, launching her on a path to join the New York City Ballet. In her brisk, spirited debut memoir, the author recounts her experiences in the competitive, hierarchical ballet world, from the “elitist cult” of the corp de ballet to her promotion as the “first Asian American woman soloist in the history of the company.” Despite talent, ambition, and hard work, Pazcoguin became frustrated that racial stereotypes barred her from roles she coveted. “Need an ambiguously ethnic, badass female?” she recalled. “It’s Paz to the rescue!” Even in The Nutcracker, she found that she was assigned to the B cast, composed of people of color, while the A cast featured lighter-skinned dancers. She directs unmitigated anger at former NYCB director Peter Martins, who “wanted me in a cage, to be okay with his idea of what a dancer who looks like me should be.” After he criticized the size of her thighs, she went to a doctor who prescribed that she eat 720 calories per day for the next four months. Trained to find everything wrong with her body, she came to see herself as a “monster,” eventually spending $10,000 on liposuction. “As I’ve grown older and wiser,” she reflects, “I can see that the younger me twisted sacrifice into something darker. Especially when it came to Peter’s subjective view of what my body should look like.” Despite the abusive culture that Martins fomented, Pazcoguin never lost her passion for ballet. Besides performing throughout the world with other companies, she danced on Broadway in Cats: a challenging role and a window on a more nurturing culture than she had known on the ballet stage.

A lively chronicle of dedication and joy.