TWO OLD MEN AND A BABY

If stealing a 12-week-old baby four days before Christmas sounds potentially amusing, this might be the novel for you.

Seventy-something Dutchman Evert Duiker, “loudmouth, bullshit artist, heart of gold,” is on his way to his weekly chess game with fellow septuagenarian Hendrik Groen when he has to pee. He stops at the Princess Margriet School and, on his way out of the bathroom, sees Sabine Verbeek—baby Jesus in the evening’s Christmas pageant—waiting unattended in her pram. Evert decides to take her, not out of malice, but simply because he “[thinks] it would be fun.” He and Hendrik immediately acknowledge that “the parents must be out of their minds with worry” but ultimately worry more about being punished for kidnapping. To assuage their guilt as they bumble through feedings, diaper changes, and abandoned attempts to leave Sabine to be recovered in an underpass, they call the school custodian to say “it’s all been a misunderstanding.” The custodian’s opportunistic brother has other ideas and phones the parents demanding a 100,000 euro ransom. If this plot doesn’t entice you, perhaps the tiresome characters will. The women, with one late exception, are particularly reductive, depicted as either scheming (the mayor), shrinking (Sabine’s mother), or annoying (assorted wives, neighbors, and passersby). Men disparage their appearances by calling them “lard-ass” and “fat”; yearn for one’s “lovely ass” and another’s “big tits”; and belittle them as “that broad,” “old witch,” “nosy bitch,” “nagging old lady,” and more. In the end, the wunderkind chief prosecutor, seemingly motivated solely by his desire to show up the mayor, who “looks like she’s spent an hour at the beauty parlor,” comes to the rescue.

Droll buffoonery built atop antiquated stereotypes, repudiated gender roles, and threadbare “wit.”