IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU

An exploration of the complex psychology of relationships.

Kim and Bennett have more in common than just being therapists and self-admitted “flawed and complicated humans.” They are also a committed, unmarried couple. With a smooth balance of advice and affable humor, the authors present the keys to a proactive, durable relationship, reiterating the lessons they’ve learned from their own time together. While the authors accept that people crave finding “the one,” the procession of simmering romance, marriage, family, and career growth can be a challenge. Kim and Bennett dig into a variety of barriers that hinder the development and maintenance of successful relationships—e.g., intimacy ambivalence and the pressures of familial upbringing (Kim’s parents, who “are old school Korean, taught him to “push feelings down)”—and the ways couples can break down these barricades both separately and together. In addition to candid stories about their own ongoing learning curve, the authors relate client experiences that reflect common challenges for anyone in a committed relationship. Their advice ranges from obvious (“passion and intensity aren’t enough to build and sustain a relationship”) to more nuanced, like how to navigate the emotional contours of mutual intimacy and suppressed “anger, resentment, or eggshells.” Alternating narration, the authors provide unique opinions and philosophies on a variety of relationship topics, including attachment styles, effective communication strategies, the ever present pitfalls of codependency, jealousy, and unhealthy behavioral patterns. The authors end each chapter with “Questions To Ask Yourself” and a section called “The Practice,” which challenges readers to apply what they have learned. Consistently encouraging, the authors are convincing in their assertion that a healthy, productive, mutually gratifying love connection is achievable with the proper tools and a willingness to look inward and put in the work. “You can only be responsible for yourself and how you show up,” they write. “How your partner shows up and the amount of effort they put in is entirely on them.”

A solid compendium of love, lessons, and constructive homework.