YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER

Anderson conducts a highly personal exploration of generational trauma and healing, particularly between mothers and daughters.

The author looks into the frequent feelings of shame from which children of abusive parents often suffer. As Psychology Today blogger Eric Maisel writes in his forward, “Shame is one of the primary results of tyrannical parents harming their children. The shamed child of one generation becomes the shaming parent of the next generation." After identifying the problem and assuring readers that they can end the traumatic cycle, Anderson presents her poetry. Almost stream-of-consciousness in style, each poetry section is divided by age (0-5, 5-10, 10-15, 15-20, and 21+) and offers glimpses into Anderson’s own horrific instances of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Her frequent reference to “disappearing” describes a disassociation that permeates her adolescence and adulthood. The turning point comes when she meets her husband and finally begins learning that she deserves unconditional love (a process that the author admits is still ongoing). Anderson discusses the various sources and symptoms of trauma, using her own experiences as well as outside research to support her opinions. She provides plenty of practical exercises for readers to try on their own, such as thinking of a time when they felt “alive and energized, in the zone, or authentically you in all your you-ness.” These exercises are used to achieve what Anderson calls “unshaming,” a process of becoming your “favorite” (not necessarily your “best” or “most productive”) self. The book wraps up with a concluding section of poems entitled “Connection Recovery” to demonstrate the healing that is possible even after a lifetime of abuse.

The author’s compassionate approach to such a sensitive topic helps guide readers through what is an emotionally wrenching book. Her depictions of abuse, while not overly graphic, are still painful to read—which makes them all the more necessary to air out in the open (she also specifically provides a trigger warning before she tells a personal story of animal torture that she witnessed as a child). With a unique blend of past memories and present struggles, conveyed in a mix of poetry and prose, this text, the author freely acknowledges, is not a clinical or scholarly look at the topic of female generational trauma. Instead, this book is for those who wish to be guided by someone who has experienced what they have experienced—someone to walk them through what has worked for her. A large part of what works for Anderson is recognizing the difficulties and ordeals that her own mother and grandmother went through. The traumas they experienced perpetuated the feelings of shame that they then handed down to the author—the exact same process that has occurred with so many women over countless generations: “The shame was so pervasive we couldn’t see it…it’s the water we have been swimming in for…ever. And it wasn’t ours.” Anderson’s honesty and dedication to plumbing the depths of her own life provide advice and guidance for anyone who finds themselves in similar circumstances. While the subject matter itself may be heavy, the author’s empathy and kindness (both to her readers and herself) make this an important companion for those looking to escape from generational trauma.

With warmth and understanding, Anderson offers a new approach to healing for those who wish to break the cycle of abuse.