SAY THE RIGHT THING

How to communicate better about our personal and collective differences.

Yoshino and Glasgow, who founded the Meltzer Center for Diversity, Inclusion, and Belonging at the NYU School of Law, offer assistance on how to talk about the “social identities” we all demonstrate. “We are both gay men who spent our formative years in the closet,” they write. “During that time, we were desperate to talk about our own identities, but the words felt unspeakable, even to the people who mattered most in our lives. That suffocating silence led us to search for a more powerful way of communicating.” Their guiding assumption is that such conversations intimidate many people and that confusion about how to “say the right thing” has become an obstacle to empathy and mutual understanding. The authors skillfully explore seven key areas: how to avoid so-called “conversational traps,” build resilience in dealing with differing points of view, cultivate curiosity about how others perceive the world, disagree respectfully when necessary, apologize authentically when wrongs are committed, apply the platinum rule (help others as they would prefer to be helped), and be generous to those who act in noninclusive ways. The authors’ advice has been extensively field-tested, and they are admirably nuanced in their identification of specific challenges to the promotion of constructive dialogue. Particularly effective are the discussions of how privilege can operate along different dimensions, how particular verbal strategies can diffuse tension and build trust, and how wariness about others’ judgements can be mitigated. The highlight of the book, however, is the chapter on apologies, which offers vivid illustrations of those that did not work (usually because they deflected responsibility and sometimes even compounded an original insult) and those that did (by opening collaborative possibilities for addressing harm and combatting ignorance). The authors successfully set forth a clear sense of how one might balance accountability for wrongs with compassion for those who have erred.

A sensitive and sensible handbook for encouraging positive conversations about identity.