THE GIFT OF BEN

Following the death of her child, Rogers-Seitz searches for hope in this debut memoir.

The author’s 15-month-old son, Ben, died when his father forgot to drop him off at day care, leaving him in a swelteringly hot car. The author, a lawyer who had struggled with mental illness for much of her life, describes her slow, “meticulous unraveling” that followed. Two months after Ben’s death, Rogers-Seitz sought out the “purity and peace” of Colorado with the hope of finding her “way back to Ben.” The author recounts how her journey turned her into an “experimenter”; experiences during a reiki session suggested the possibility that there could be a “pathway” to Ben, which in turn led her to meditation. The breakthroughs she experienced following this practice allowed her to feel “the beauty of being alive,” a sense of forgiveness, and a reconnection with God. Rogers-Seitz’s memoir leads the reader through the murky depths of a psyche confronted with unthinkable tragedy. Her approach to the material borders on the poetically abstract while retaining a clear sense of meaning: “My mind fell out of itself when I finally heard the words ‘He didn’t make it.’ ” Acutely and emotionally observant, the author possesses a rare ability to pinpoint and convey the debilitating emotions and sensations associated with intense grief: “My body is lead; I am glued to the ground. I am becoming the ground and the stucco wall behind me. It is scratching my back. I am lost.” The narrative arc of the memoir from darkness to light is emphasized by an effervescence that enters the prose when Rogers-Seitz finds hope through meditation: “A pinpoint light. I concentrated on the luminescence. I’ll call it my angel, I thought. My angel is light.” This memoir may not resonate with metaphysical skeptics, as the author’s road to hope is founded on a firm belief in the spiritual realm. However, this remains a profoundly moving debut that may offer solace to others grieving the loss of a child.

Expressive, courageous writing that wrests insight from the depths of grief.