THE SECRET LIFE OF SECRETS

A close look at a widespread human behavior.

Behavioral scientist Slepian, a professor of leadership and ethics at Columbia, draws on his research with some 50,000 participants in 26 countries as well as copious studies by other researchers to examine why, how, and to what effect people keep secrets. Distinguishing between secrecy and privacy, he considers secrecy “as an intention to hold specific information back, and privacy as a reflection of how much you broadcast personal information.” Among the many issues that people hide are sexual behavior, infidelity, financial problems, and drug use. While some secrets may feel burdensome, others may not. “Some of life’s most joyous and momentous occasions,” Slepian notes, “start off as secrets we keep in order to reveal: the gifts we give, pregnancies, marriage proposals, and more.” The author is most concerned, though, with secrets that make people feel helpless, alone, and unsupported. The negative impact of secrets, he writes, “comes from having those secrets occupy our thoughts.” Perceiving a secret as immoral generates feelings of shame; “the more it feels solitary and personal, the more it feels isolating. And the more it is based on emotion rather than logic, the less insight you feel you have into it.” Slepian suggests three coping strategies for gaining insight: realizing that past mistakes are in the past and need not blight the present; realizing that keeping a secret may benefit others and so have a positive value; and acknowledging that the secret may benefit you. Sometimes, he asserts, sharing our inner worlds helps to form and maintain relationships, “but sometimes we hold back in order to protect those relationships as well,” or to enjoy an activity—a hobby, for example—without worrying about others’ judgment. Nevertheless, Slepian advises, “If you have a secret that is bothering you, consider sharing it with someone you trust.”

An accessible, empathetic book.