SECURE RELATING

A survey of strategies for self-discovery.

Marriott, a group psychotherapist and clinical social worker, and Kelley, a psychologist, co-host the podcast Therapist Uncensored. In this collaboration, they offer thoughtful, well-supported advice for fostering personal growth and nurturing social bonds. Identifying themselves as a white, cis-gendered, middle-aged, same-sex married couple, the authors aim to be inclusive and supportive of all readers. As they point out, people of color or those who are neurodiverse or genderqueer have been shaped by distinct, sometimes traumatic, experiences. “Plumb your various identities,” the authors advise, and think about “the impact of your experiences on the protective and connective strategies you’ve developed, weighing their current usefulness.” Drawing on modern attachment theory and relational neuroscience, Marriott and Kelley look at how unconscious defensive patterns can be transformed into conscious strengths. The Modern Attachment-Regulation Spectrum (MARS), depicted as rainbow-colored images, serves as a colorful illustration of one’s state of mind, with green being a safe zone, gradations toward red indicating emotional activation, and gradations toward blue indicating defensive withdrawal. In an appendix, the authors provide a detailed analysis of the spectrum and its connection to behavior and emotion. The MARS, they write, can prove useful for readers “to recognize where you are and turn your focus toward scooting back towards the green zone rather quickly.” The authors present ways to reflect on behavior, recognize patterns, and work “to pause and try different strategies,” a process they call rewiring. “A secure state of mind,” the authors assert, “enables you to care about, advocate for and be generous with people close to you and those you’ll never meet. In this way, making the deliberate choice to prioritize secure functioning over falling back into defensive self-preservation is a powerful action that can disrupt, and even reverse” divisiveness and polarization.

An encouraging guide to a healthy mindset.