SKINNY LEGS AND ALL

Imagine Robert Ludlum hallucinating at his word-processor while weaving a plot combining postmodern art, Middle Eastern terrorism, and a talking vibrator, and you come close to what Robbins has accomplished here. Robbins' considerable audience has waited six years (since Jitterbug Perfume, 1984) to read sentences like this: "As soon as she had replaced the vibrator in her underwear drawer, the panties ceased their girlish gossiping and began to chirp, 'Who? Who? Who?' Whose name had she called aloud when she straddled the white pony of orgasm?" Those readers who are not Robbins fans, however, should be warned that over the course of 400+ pages of equally jolly prose we follow the entwined fates of Ellen Cherry and Boomer Petway, a young artist couple; a southern evangelist who is scheming to provoke the End of the World; and a trio of talking objects—Spoon, Dirty Sock, and Can o' Beans—who must somehow trek across America to Jerusalem in time to prevent the holocaust. Meanwhile, Robbins devotes entire chapters to his theories on postmodern art, the true meaning of the Old and New Testaments, even the mysteries of the label on a can of Van Camp Pork 'n' Beans. Finally, then, Robbins goes for a schmaltzy wrap-up, in which the evil preacher's plan to induce Armageddon is put on hold by none other than a sinister Vice-President of the US. The preacher goes mad in an Arab-Jewish restaurant in Manhattan as the New York Giants win the 1986 Super Bowl, and Ellen and Boomer move to Jerusalem to install Boomer's latest sculpture. Despite a multitude of subplots, this is a novel that doesn't know where it's going until it arrives.