SEARCHES

A South Asian American journalist uses the history of technology to tell the story of her life.

When technology reporter Vauhini Vara was a freshman in high school, her sister was diagnosed with cancer. In response to the news, she conducted a series of searches on Yahoo!, the most popular search engine at the time, because it was easier than talking to a human about it. Vara writes, “I never did get up the nerve to take the question to a human being who might be able to answer.” The reason, she says, is that “I harbored a vague terror that naming my fears out loud would make them come true.” Eventually, the then-limited internet would expand to “more than one billion websites,” including morally dubious ones like Facebook and Amazon, which, against her better judgment—and despite her years of covering the best and worst practices of technology companies—Vara continues to use. Vara would see these changes, but her sister, Deepa, would not: Deepa eventually succumbed to cancer while she and Vara were in college. As the internet continues to grow and change, so does Vara’s grief, so much so that, as an adult, she uses AI to try to find the words to describe a loss that defies language. Vara’s essays are beautifully written and profoundly researched, but what sets them apart is their profound vulnerability. Her use of experimental forms, like listing a brief history of her Google searches and creating an annotated essay about her recent Amazon purchases, pushes the limits of the genre without ever compromising her circumspective, confessional approach.

An original essay collection about loss, technology, morality, and identity.