“Is this you?”

I stared down at the commuter newspaper a friend had just handed me. A large portion of the page was committed to a relationship column—one I was very familiar with, as it was written by a good friend at the time. The topic was about ending friendships, and even though my name wasn’t used, it was clear I was the subject. Without a conversation between us, there in black and white was the end of a friendship in all its ugliness—and with no warning.

It wasn’t that they’d written about me in one of the city’s most read publications, or even that over the course of the week, most of my friends were like, “Is this you? Why would they do this?” It was that my friend had aired our dirty laundry and her judgment without so much as a word, and what should have been a private conversation was instead published for the entire city to peruse during their morning commute.

And it was at that moment that I learned—the painful, firsthand way—how not to write about someone you know.

The adage for writing is “write what you know,” and I don’t think there’s a writer or author anywhere who hasn’t in some way drawn characters or personalities from the people in our lives. Whether it’s a charming quirk, a particular brand of humor, or even at times the complete personification of someone we know, we can both consciously and subconsciously recreate our friends and families—and even our enemies—in our work.

But it’s one thing to borrow your sibling’s penchant for tacky fuzzy slippers or your friend’s habit of dipping chips in salad dressing. What happens when someone in your work (whether it’s a work of fiction or nonfiction) starts looking recognizable? Or if the person is actually the subject or character in your work? Can you do this without destroying the relationship with this person, or even better, getting their support? The answer is yes . . . if you want to.

Know the risks of trying to keep it quiet

Some people, like my friend in the aforementioned tale, know full well that what they are writing will eventually be read by the person they are writing about. In some cases, it can be considered an attack, a means of having one’s say without fear of rebuttal. Sometimes it’s intended to be humiliating. Or it could simply be a way to blow off steam.

Other folks try to keep any writing about real-life people and situations quiet, hoping that no one will ever discover what they’ve been writing. And as Shannon Hilson writes in Is There a Right Way to Write About People You Know?, that’s a dangerous game to play. “That’s the thing about secrets. They have an inconvenient way of getting out sooner or later. People are pretty nosey, especially if they know you’re the kind of person who likes your space and privacy. Family members may go through your things, hoping to find out something juicy about you or someone else. Filters can fail, and accounts get hacked. Sometimes people stumble across certain things without even meaning to.”

It’s safest to assume that once you publish something, it will eventually get back to whomever you don’t want to see it.

Respect the person’s privacy

Sometimes the intimate details of people we know are just too delicious to resist. And you should definitely resist. Protect their secrets, their hidden sides, and any sensitive information they wouldn’t want shared with the world. And unless you have their permission, remove any personal information that might allow anyone to dig deeply and learn who they might be or where they live. Their relationships, employment, and safety depend on it. Even if it’s someone who has angered you or done you an injustice, ask yourself if what they’ve done merits potential exposure, humiliation, and danger. When in doubt, eliminate any personal details, especially if it’s a family member. Remember, Google knows and reveals all.

Give them a heads-up

Depending on what you’re writing and how much of the real-life person is involved, don’t be afraid to ask their permission beforehand. In David Sedaris’s Tips for Writing About People You Know, the bestselling essayist suggests that if you’re not sure if you’ve crossed the line, reach out to them and even show them the first draft of what you’ve been working on.

“Whenever I write about someone in my family, I give it to them first. And I say, ‘Is there anything you want me to change or get rid of?’” Let them be part of the story. Who knows? They may surprise you with a great bit of additional detail or insight.

Give them depth and character

One of the challenges of writing about people we know (especially in nonfiction) is how to write the person in a way that doesn’t dehumanize them or reduce them to flat, forgettable people who don’t seem real. Sedaris often writes about his partner, family, and friends but in a way that respects them and their lives and even ensures they are in on the joke rather than the butt of it. Sedaris also suggests you include one or two very specific details that add depth and insight into the person, whether it’s a specific part of their appearance or a mannerism.

Be honest and fair

In any writing where we’re the narrator or even a third-person character, we are always tempted to write ourselves as just a little bit better. We instinctively want to be the hero of our lives. But the humanity of our work doesn’t resonate if we make ourselves the hero. Be honest. Show your flaws. Let the other people you’re writing about look like the hero. And while we all love our hyperbole, make sure you keep things to just the facts, ma’am. Save your hyperbole for feelings, and not the events.

Remember that the story is yours

Writing a story is very much like taking video. The story can change depending on the angle you take, and this is just as true in writing. Sometimes you want to protect the people you care about. And sometimes you don’t. Not everyone we know is good to us, and sometimes they don’t always deserve the consideration and discretion. While it’s important to still protect their identity or any information that could expose them to danger, sometimes they don’t deserve to be a protagonist.

And Hilson says that being “shameless” about your story is sometimes just as important. “A long time ago, I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to let the naysayers, abusers, and villains of my life take my stories away from me. Permitting myself to put those stories into words so that others can share in them and learn from them has played a critical role in my own healing . . . know that your experiences, feelings, and lessons are yours.”

Hannah Guy lives in Toronto and is a professional writer and copywriter who specializes in books, books, and more books. Follow her on Twitter at @hannorg.